My Achy Breaky Knuckles
by Ferriguous Fungus
Summary: Who is the man they call "The Machine"? Is he really a machine, or is he just a fat hillbilly with a blond mullet? Discover the answer in this Tommy Gunn origins story. Rated 5/5 stars by my nan.


Once upon a time, there was a boy named Tommy Gunn who lived in a scummy trailer with his mother, father, four bedridden grandparents and Terry, his stillborn elder brother. Tommy hated being a white-trash loser, so he decided to make a name for himself by entering a local junior boxing competition. His first match was against a kid called Sugar Frosting. Tommy knew what he had to do to win, his strategy was flawless: punch the other guy in the face repeatedly until he falls over. Needless to say, Tommy won the fight by TKO in the 2nd round.

Tommy fought his way through the contest, destroying all who dared to stand in his path, until he earned his place in the GRAND FINAL against the reining regional champion, Arnold McFist.

Tommy ran home that night with all of the joy and geity of a lesbian schoolgirl. "Mum! Dad!" He squealed, "I got into the finals of the local junior boxing tournament and next week I'm fighting the legendary Arnold McFist!" His family were so disinterested that they could barely be arsed to show their slightest acknowledgement. Undeterred, Tommy continued, "There's a $500 cash prize for the winner." At that very instant, old Grandpa Joe sprung out of bed like a Jack-in-a-box and broke into a song and dance number.

After the little sing-along, Grandpa Joe leered over to Tommy, his breath stinking of fags and cheap scotch. "Hey kid, I got a little proposition." He breathed, "I'm gonna be your trainer! Which would of course entitle me to 80% of that prize money."

"Eighty percent!?" Tommy shrieked.

Grandpa Joe chuckled and stroked his scraggly chin thoughtfully before responding, "You're right, kid. Better make it 99.9%. Can't be too careful, what with all the expenditures and whatnot... Training begins tomorrow at 3am!"

Reluctantly, Tommy did as he was told. Training commenced the following day as planned with tea and cake. This was followed by tea and cake, then some more tea and cake. Next, it was tea and cake time, which was marked by the consumption of tea and cake. After that, there was tea and cake. The training session was rounded off with some trampolining, after which Tommy puked up all the tea and cake he'd just eaten, so Grandpa Joe gave him another helping of tea and cake. Training went on like this until Tommy couldn't look at a slice of battenburg without shitting himself.

"Now you're ready, kid!" Grandpa Joe rasped, punching the air with the arthritic vigour of a dead sloth.

But Tommy didn't feel ready. In fact, he felt like dog poop and had developed a severely irritable bowel from all the tea and cake he'd eaten. Before the fight, Grandpa Joe made Tommy some tea and cake, and even fashioned him a gumshield made out of marzipan. Needless to say the fight didn't go very well. By round ten, Tommy had been beaten to within an inch of his life. He was fucked and knew he needed to somehow score a knockout to win. So, he draw on all of the strength from deep within his hillbilly soul and slung a massive haymaker at Arnold! Sadly, the blow missed by miles and the sudden exertion caused Tommy to shit himself. Arnold siezed his opportunity and connected with a ferocious hook that sprawled Tommy out across the canvas in a puddle of blood, sweat and diarrhoea.

Grandpa Joe loomed over Tommy's battered, shitty body with a cup of Darjeeling in one hand and a Victoria sponge in the other. "Don't worry, kid. With a little more tea and cake you'll be unstoppable!" He assured.

"What a total cumsock I was to think that my certifiably insane grandfather could train me up." Mused little Tommy. But it was too late for wise words now - Arnold was the victor and Tommy had to look elsewhere to find a new trainer. His search took him on a weird and wonderful journey across the Multiverse, where he tried out many different boxing trainers from distant planets and parallel dimensions, until he eventually found the one man who could make him the champion he'd always dreamt of becoming.

Who was that man, you ask? Heh, just watch Rocky V, my friend, and all will be revealed... ;P

...

It was Rocky.

The End


End file.
